An Friday, May 9th, while commuting to work, I pondered further revisions to Shifting Mars’ Sands. Recently, Ch. 2 became Ch. 1. The old Ch. 1 became Ch. 6. The last scene from the old Ch. 1 became Ch. 2.
At this point, my protagonist, Gretchen, starts the novel. The leader of the antagonist side, Peter Konklin, has a viewpoint scene in Ch. 6, though he’s mentioned, starting in Ch. 2.
This is good. People like their books to start with the protagonist, the good guy. In this case, it’s the good girl.
Last week, I rewrote Ch. 1 to move a conflict between Gretchen and the dig’s leader, Dr. Hawthorne earlier. It’d started toward the end of the second page, and after the rewrite, it started at the very end of the first page. This was an improvement, but I was disappointed that it wasn’t happening quick enough.
I need to draw the reader in, and the next readers will be agents. I need something to grab them, get them interested. Sadly, exposition about the cold of Antarctica doesn’t do that.
So, I was pondering all of this on my drive.
The beats of Ch. 1 were:
- Introduce Gretchen walking from an archaeological dig in Antarctica.
- Gretchen gets a meal at the chow hall and argues with Dr. Hawthorne.
- Gretchen reacts to their disagreement and how dismissive Dr. Hawthorne is.
- Gretchen returns to quarters, short description of setting.
- Gretchen checks for new archaeological project offers but finds none and starts to worry.
- Gretchen see email from husband, Jimmy, only to read that he won’t renew their 5-year marriage contract.
- Gretchen reacts to the dissolution of their marriage.
At lunch, I edited and rewrote portions of the chapter.
The new beats of Ch. 1 are:
- One short paragraph to place Gretchen in Antarctica on an archaeological dig.
- Extended discussion with Dr. Hawthorne over the artifacts significance at the dig site.
- Gretchen reacts to their disagreement and how dismissive Dr. Hawthorne is.
- Gretchen returns to quarters, short description of setting.
- Short mention of Gretchen checking for new archaeological project. Significance/concerns worked into her reaction to Hawthorne.
- Gretchen see email from husband, Jimmy, only to read that he won’t renew their 5-year marriage contract.
- Gretchen reacts to the dissolution of their marriage.
These edits are made in pencil on a hard copy. I’ll incorporate them in the novel soon and see how well they work.
I noticed a few things. By moving Gretchen and Dr. Hawthorne’s confrontation to the dig site, the rationale for their discussion/argument is far stronger than them simply bumping into each other. I get to easily characterize Gretchen as loving archaeology, which is a driving factor in her decisions. The action starts before halfway down on the first page. The description of Antarctica, shortened, occurs afterward. The funny thing about it is that I considered cutting most of it, but her working in such a place helps her land a job on Mars–she trades one harsh environment for another, one where there’s no air.
Also, this way there’s an interlude of reaction to Hawthorne’s attitude (with a bit of a positive spin on the situation) between being professionally disappointed and personally crushed by her husband not renewing their marriage contract for another five years.
So far, I like how this is working out.
And the reason I was annoyed was that I thought I had this settled before the commute…
I’m an author living in northern Virginia with a wife and a cat. In the late ’80s, I worked on the International Space Station project. I recently retired from managing a group of software engineers to focus on writing science fiction and speculative fiction. Learn more.